When I went into the doctor after a week of being on antibiotics for mastitis he told me he needed to admit me to the hospital since the oral medications weren't working. I was completely bummed, but I was pretty much expecting it since I wasn't getting better.
I was happy to find out that being admitted to the hospital didn't mean that I was having surgery, which has been my biggest fear through this whole thing. It just sounds so serious. The plan was to give me antibiotics through the IV to clear up the mastitis. All the nurses assured me that this happened all the time. Plenty of women have to be admitted to the hospital to be treated for mastitis. I had a lot of hope that I would be better in a couple days and back home.
After a few days I still wasn't getting any better so they decided they were going to try and aspirate the infection out of my breast. This procedure was horrible. They first had to do an ultrasound on my very painful breast and the ultrasound technician was obviously new at her job and not very careful during the procedure. She kept resting her arm on me and pushing way harder than she needed to.
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| Avery napping with me in the hospital bed. |
Once that was all done they had the radiologist come in to do the procedure. He pulled out an enormous syringe and after giving me some local anesthetic aspirated a full 60ml of nasty greenish pus out of my breast. It was disgusting, but I couldn't look away during the procedure. It was also very painful despite the anesthetic.
They had hoped that once they drained the infection out that my body would be able to fight off the rest of the infection and get back to normal. Unfortunately, the next day my breast had filled up with all that infectious pus again and it was like I had never even had the procedure.
At that point the surgeon came in and told me that surgery was basically the only way we were going to be able to solve the problem. At this point I'd already been in the hospital for 6 days and I was desperate to just get fixed. Not that I had much choice, but I readily agreed to have the surgery.
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| Tyler trying to study at the hospital when he came to visit us. |
The next day they did the surgery. I don't have much to say about it because they put me under for it. But the surgeon promised me that 24 hours after surgery I would feel a ton better and that was true.
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| Get well cards from the Young Women. |
The whole process actually wasn't very painful for me. They gave me all the pain medication I could want so I never hurt very much. But staying that long in the hospital will make you crazy. Also this whole time I had a 2 month old baby I am supposed to be caring for, which I couldn't do. Thankfully, my mom flew down that day after I got admitted to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time. They put up a cot for her in my room and she was with me through the whole thing. And she pretty much completely took over caring for Avery. I wasn't allowed to breastfeed Avery anymore once I got admitted because the antibiotics would come out in my breast milk. So we got formula and my mom fed, changed, bathed, rocked and cared for Avery in every way that I couldn't. I don't know how we would have gotten through this without her.
Tyler was trying to study for STEP 1 through this whole ordeal and it was really hard for him. He wanted to be at the hospital to be with me and Avery, but he also knew how important this test was and wanted to make sure he put in the time to study. He came up to visit almost every day for several hours. We're hoping that the Lord will make up the difference in his STEP score for the time he spent being a good daddy and husband.
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| Avery taking a nap with daddy in the hospital bed. |
The hardest part about this whole situation for me has been not being able to feed Avery. Maybe it's crazy because tons of people formula feed their babies by choice, but having breastfeeding taken away from me was really hard on me emotionally. Once I couldn't feed her I felt like she didn't need me anymore. Anyone could take care of her now. She didn't need me. And for some reason that made taking care of her so much harder. It's hard to get up with your baby in the middle of the night and calm them down when they are upset and for some reason when I couldn't breastfeed her anymore it made doing those things so much harder because I felt like anyone could do them. If I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night and be up for an hour, why would I want to?
And all these feelings made me feel super guilty. I felt like I was being a bad mom and that just made everything worse. The last couple of days I was in the hospital I was so upset thinking about all these horrible thoughts about myself and I was in tears all the time. It was getting so bad that my doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depressants. I don't think I'm depressed (or was) and I never ended up taking them, but I think I now understand what someone struggling with depression goes through. Even after we got home I would still break down and cry a lot, but over the days it's gotten a lot better and I finally feel in control of my emotions again.
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| Avery chillin in the hospital bed. |
As things stand right now, I'm still taking antibiotics (for 2 more days) and pumping my breast milk. People may think I'm crazy, but my goal is still to get back to breastfeeding if she'll take me back. I just loved feeding my little Avery so much and I really miss it. I hate feeding her formula. Besides the fact that I don't feel as connected with her, she stinks like formula now and has the smelliest diapers. We still haven't found a formula that agrees with her so she goes through bouts of constipation and diarrhea. I can't wait to get back to breastfeeding. I'm supposed to wait a week after I finish the antibiotics to let it get out of my system so for now I'm pumping (and dumping) my milk and feeding her the bottle of formula. It's very time consuming, but right now we're at my parents house for a visit so my family is able to help with feeding Avery while I pump so I don't have to do it all myself.
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| Avery getting her toe nails clipped. |
I'm anxious to see if I can still breastfeed here in the next week or so. I don't think I'm producing as much milk as I was (I hardly have any on the side I had surgery on), but I'm hoping that once she gets back to it, my milk supply will pick back up. We'll see.
So I finally feel like there is an end in sight to this nightmare we've been living through. I hope that by the time we're back in Galveston I will be able to be back to my normal self. But I've come to terms that breastfeeding might not work out for me this time and if it doesn't, I'm not a bad mom for not being able to do it. I'll just have to be grateful that I was able to feed Avery for the first 6 weeks of her life and know that she's still going to be a healthy baby even if I can't do it.
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| Flowers from my cousins and Grandma in Colorado. |
On a happier note... Avery just had her 2 month check up and she is chuncking up nicely! She weighed 12 lb 13 ounces! Basically double her birth weight!! When she was born she was in the 10th percentile for weight. At this check up she was in the 92 percentile! So, Avery is doing just fine throughout this whole ordeal.
We are enjoying our week long vacation here in Colorado being pampered by my parents and hoping to come back to Galveston feeling refreshed and ready to take on 3rd year of med school!
3 comments:
What a trooper! The whole ordeal sounds awful, so I'm so happy you're doing o much better. Mommy guilt is the worst--know you're not crazy and definitely not alone. We miss you guys!
When I was reading along, I thought that there was no chance you'd be able to breastfeed again after the surgery, but was pleasantly surprised when you said there was. Totally understand your desire. I only breastfeed my babies and I love it. So glad there's a chance. But like you said, it's not the end if it doesn't work out. Glad you're doing better! And glad your mom could be there to help out. Aren't moms the best? I'm excited you'll be back before we move. I still need to meet Avery!!!
I'm so glad this whole ordeal is finally almost over for you! I totally understand your desire for breastfeeding. But don't feel guilty if you can't do it. I started out breastfeeding both of my girls, but as I transition from full-time feeding to feeding and giving them solids my body seems to throw in the towel and say "It's all or nothing!" and quickly starts decreasing its supply. I've had several people comment to me on the "miracle" of bodies doing what they need to do. But that made me feel terrible and inadequate because for some reason my body doesn't do it. So I end up giving them formula for 4-6 months before they can have regular milk. Now that I have experienced not being able to breastfeed, I am able to understand women who need to give their babies formula. It is a huge blessing to be able to breastfeed. But it is also a huge blessing in technology that we can have formula and still care for our babies. And not just anyone can be Avery's mom. YOU are her mom. And she NEEDS you, whether you breastfeed or not. You are irreplaceable in her life. You will be the one that she turns to when she falls down and needs comfort. You will be the one she runs to when she gets out of school. So, even if the breastfeeding doesn't work out (which I hope that it will for you), don't feel that you are replaceable. You are not.
I'm going to miss you Chandra! If you are ever in the Temple area, please let me know! We would love to see you! And you always have a place to stay here! Good luck with 3rd year! It gets soooo much better!
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